Like many self-proclaimed writers, I’m petrified to let my words stumble into the public gaze where they are exposed to the rubberneckers and stringers of the world. I am the mother goose waiting atop the sidewalk as her goslings topple over each other in a rash attempt to escape a nosedive down the storm drain, the humans recording it in their delirious amusement. While externally I welcome constructive criticism for my writing, internally it’s akin to being vehemently encouraged by your parents to give a hug to the uncle you last saw when you were six years old at your great-aunt Ruth’s Christmas party.
I prefer keeping to the confines of my journal, where the only soul to witness the words living on the page is my own. No audience, no judgement. Sometimes, the intricacies of my mind befuddle me; incomplete sentences, undercooked thoughts, and recalled words wind their way through my head like a lazy river. When I don’t know what to make of it all, I don’t write anything down, instead letting the subconscious take control. This process usually results in copious amounts of seemingly ungovernable anxiety and distress. Nothing ever feels right. I’ve allowed it to monopolize my mindset, preventing me from pursuing the freedom of an untethered pen.
Over the past two or so years, my therapist and I have been working on confronting my OCD and more recently, my social anxiety. We talk at length about acknowledging that no matter how diligently you toil at certain fears or circumstances, you may never overcome the feeling of uncomfortableness– because that’s not the point of an exposure. The point of an exposure is to show yourself that you can do what felt impossible the day before.
Yesterday, it felt impossible for me to pursue an endeavor in writing because the fear of people being able to see into my mind with binoculars rather than through a peephole was too great. Today, it feels possible not because facing the audience somehow became easier, but because I dared myself to put my mind under a microscope.
Today, we externalize the introvert.
I love how eloquently you speak; I know it’s difficult to be under the microscope, but keep sharing your gifts with the world!